The Impact of Sexual Fantasies

A mind is a terrible thing to waste – especially when it comes to sex. The brain is not usually what comes to mind when we think about sex organs, but it has the potential to be our most powerful tool for accessing mind-blowing sex.

From a physiological standpoint, the mind controls our sexual response through its interplay with and interpretation of the autonomic nervous system. This system controls involuntary sexual responses and induces relaxation and arousal. But enough about the science of it…

Our minds allow us to fantasize about anything – even the impossible or seemingly unattainable. And fantasies are healthy and normal. A good fantasy can be better than physical sex because we’re in control of every last detail and can force events to play out perfectly to our liking. Unlike physical sex, which can be interrupted by a phone call, kids, parents or the Avon lady calling, fantasy sex occurs within the vacuum of the mind. We choose...

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While intercourse (of many varieties) can be awesome, we limit our potential for pleasure when we restrict sex to intercourse alone.

There are so many wonderful reasons to expand our sexual repertoire and potential beyond the confines of intercourse:

  1. Pleasure – lots of things feel so good!
  2. Safety – some activities reduce the risk of pregnancy and STI infection.
  3. Excitement – it’s fun and stimulating to try new things.
  4. Intimacy building – some activities are more likely to facilitate bonding between partners.
  5. Self-expression.
  6. Variety – it’s the spice of life and repetition can get boring.
  7. Learning – sex for educational purposes.
  8. Orgasms – they can be experienced differently with intensified pleasure through varied stimulation of body parts and nerves.
  9. Minimized sexual challenges – pathologized “dysfunctions” may be accurately reframed as personal differences when we expand our definitions of sex. For...
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Going Down and Eating Out

The following post is intended for those over the age of 18. If you are not yet 18, please access for accurate sex information.

As promised, I describe another oral sex term below: The Aficionado. This one is for all the men and women who love women, enjoy pleasing us and keeping us coming back for more.

Once again, I can only offer my personal thoughts based on my own experience, research, and conversations with other women. This is not a prescription for great cunnilingus, but just a description of one possible approach to fun, sensual muff-diving. Contrary to the popular belief that “anything you do feels good down there”, each woman has a set of unique desires and responses and open communication is the best way to learn about what she loves. This open communication should be a two-way street in which she gives encouraging feedback and you ask supportive questions.

Encouraging feedback might include the following...

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Sneak Peek Into My Sex Workshops

Listing a bunch of fun oral sex moves in yesterday's post elicited some requests for detailed explanations. I describe The Butterfly below and promise to add a few more later in the week. To learn more, please join me at my sex workshops at Desire Resort and Spa.

I want to preface these explanations by stating that there is no perfect recipe for great sex or mind-blowing sex moves. The most effective way to please your partner (or yourself) is to experiment and ask for honest feedback. Our sexual desires, fantasies, and tastes are as unique as our fingerprints, so the techniques described below are merely suggestions. I encourage you to add your personal touch. Vary speed, pressure, movements, lubrication, suction, and positions until you find a few (or a whole bunch) of combinations that do it for you.

Here we go...

The Butterfly combines the hand job and the blow job for tons of wet, fluttery fun.

  1. Put on a flavoured condom according to your preferences. Consider putting...
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It’s A Great Time For Sex

Timing is key to exciting sex. Consider having sex…

Before dinner: the traditional date night involves some food, wine, movies and/or dancing. While I love all of the above and each of these date components can put you in a sexy mood, they can also tire you out. So why not try sex before the date begins? You’ll have more energy earlier in the evening and won’t be weighed down by foods that make you feel bloated. Moreover, satisfying sex releases oxytocin and endorphins that help you relax and calm nerves.

In the morning: put that morning wood and/or relaxed state of mind to good use and have sex as soon as you wake up. Try it on Monday mornings to jump-start your week!

In the middle of the workday (Afternoon Delight): sex in its many forms (including self-pleasure) can relieve stress, so why not engage in sexual activity in the middle of a stressful day to ease tensions? Set a date with yourself or your partner(s) to meet in a hotel room or other private...

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Sexy, Low-Cost Valentine’s Gifts

I know that it’s a “Hallmark” holiday and highly commercialized, but any excuse for real love and fun sex sounds good to me. So here are a few ideas for sexy gifts that won’t break the bank:

1. Print some sexy coupons for your partner to redeem at his/her leisure. Some ideas for sexy gifts include erotic massages using body parts other than your hands, finger sucking, a candlelit dinner in the nude, chocolate body painting, afternoon delight, a morning quickie, a bondage session and a tongue bath. If you’re being eco-friendly or cyber-geeky, you can send the coupons via email or Facebook, but remember you can’t send your scent over the net. Though this idea is not new, these coupons are great for breaking the ice, initiating sexual activity and introducing new “moves” into your repertoire.

2. Create an erotic buffet and eat light finger foods off of your partner’s hot body. Try grapes, fruit preserves, cheeses, strawberries...

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What is a Sexologist?

I’m a sexologist. I study sex: what people do and how they feel about it. It’s a tough job, but someone has got to do it.

At cocktail parties, people are intrigued by my profession and I’m flooded with questions:

How did I get into sexology?

I started as a sexual health peer counsellor in undergrad and realized how much we all have to learn about sex.

Am I really into sex?

Oh yes.

Do I work with people with sexual dysfunctions?

Sometimes. But others with already-great sex lives come to sexologists for healthy enrichment strategies.

What’s it like to hear about people’s most personal secrets?

It’s fun, exciting, interesting and natural. Most importantly, it’s an ongoing learning process and I think I provide a valuable (and rare) outlet for discussing the vital subject of sex.

Does my husband know he’s a lucky guy?

Heck yeah. And I’m lucky too.


But what people really want to talk about are their own...

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Let's Talk About Sex

This is our space to talk about sex and all of its exciting pleasures.

Sex is the life force and an integral part of healthy living and development. This blog will discuss issues of sexuality pertaining to relationships, health, pleasure, technique, politics, and culture. As a sex researcher, I’m constantly learning about the infinite ways in which sex enriches our lives and I look forward to sharing the stories of my growth as a sexologist.

Thanks for visiting.

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