The Female Orgasm

Uncategorized Jun 02, 2009

Sex is a process. It's a beautiful, fun and wonderfully messy process that involves several stages of arousal and response. Orgasm (alongside desire, excitement, plateau and resolution) is just one stage of sexual response, but it tends to get the most attention. Though orgasms can be great (sometimes better than great), they aren't always earth-shattering and shouldn't be universally regarded as the main event.

Sex is often reduced to orgasm alone and this can put undue performance pressure on both women and men. While I'm an avid fan of performance when it comes to sex, pressure should never be a part of the equation. Our nervous systems don't respond naturally or optimally when we're put under pressure and this lessens our ability to experience pleasure. Our sexual response cycle, which includes blood circulation, erection, lubrication and muscle relaxation, is also negatively impacted. I'm not suggesting we forget about orgasms all together, but simply that we focus on other...

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What You Should Know About the Female Orgasm

Sex is a process. It's a beautiful, fun and wonderfully messy process that involves several stages of arousal and response. Orgasm (alongside desire, excitement, plateau, and resolution) is just one stage of sexual response, but it tends to get the most attention. Though orgasms can be great (sometimes better than great), they aren't always earth-shattering and shouldn't be universally regarded as the main event.

Sex is often reduced to orgasm alone and this can put undue performance pressure on both women and men. While I'm an avid fan of performance when it comes to sex, pressure should never be a part of the equation. Our nervous systems don't respond naturally or optimally when we're put under pressure and this lessens our ability to experience pleasure. Our sexual response cycle, which includes blood circulation, erection, lubrication and muscle relaxation, is also negatively impacted. I'm not suggesting we forget about orgasms all together, but simply that we focus on other...

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Same Sex Marriage

Uncategorized May 26, 2009

This is a short post, but an important one.

The California Supreme Court upheld a ban on same-sex marriage earlier today as an affront on human rights. If you're interested in equality, sexual diversity and/or universal rights, please check out www.equalitymatters.org

The denial of marriage to same-sex couples has far reaching practical impacts including limitations on tax, family, property, health and employment rights. Equality Matters outlines 1138 federal rights and benefits refused to LGTBQ people by extension of the marriage ban and tells the stories of people who have been directly and tragically impacted by the denial of fundamental human rights.

Join the protests in the streets and online.

www.equalitymatters.org

via GIPHY

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Sex Ed. Please!

Could you coach football without ever having seen a game?

Each time I host a workshop that addresses the expansion of sexual repertoire, I'm reminded of the fact that very few of us have had the opportunity to learn about sex through the valuable lens of observation. Sure. Many of us have glanced at (and admired) our reflections in the heat of action in an overhead ceiling mirror and we've all been exposed to a whole bunch of actors (I use this term loosely) having the sexual time of their lives, but how many have actually watched others have sex for educational or erotic purposes? Very few.

And how many people have received any formal training in how to give and receive sexual pleasure? Other cultures teach their children how to pleasure themselves and offer formal instruction to young adults in the art of loving and sexual pleasure. This may sound outlandish, but some of our common sexual practices (too much tequila and some sloppy fumbling around in the dark) aren't exactly...

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Tips for Reaching Female Orgasm

If orgasms are something you enjoy experiencing and would like to experiment with ways to intensify, increase or accelerate sexual response, consider the following:

1. Spend more time on foreplay (vulva kissing, breast caress, erotic massage, sexy talk, etc.) so that you're already at the third stage of sexual response (Plateau) before you engage in the main event (however you choose to define it).

2. Penile-vaginal penetration alone is not usually enough; if you really want to stick with this one activity, consider rubbing your clitoral glans and hood against your partner's pelvic bone as you thrust away. This may be facilitated by closing your legs tightly between your partner's so that you squeeze his shaft against your clitoral glans.

3. Try using your hands to play with the clitoral hood or glans while engaging in other sexual activities (intercourse, oral sex, etc.); you can pull up and down on the hood by manipulating the skin on the pubic mound.

4. Consider playing with...

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The Female Orgasm: What's Taking So Long?

I hear about this concern from both men and women: "It takes her forever to come!"

A well-intentioned male client recently complained to me that despite forty or fifty minutes of hard penile thrusting (ouch!), his wife struggles to reach orgasm. Another friend mentioned that she used to reach orgasm so quickly with her super-hot partner, but lately is taking longer to reach her Niagara Falls-like moment of bliss. Neither of these situations is uncommon.

Lots of women require relaxed, prolonged and varied stimulation to get to the point of no return. And vaginal stimulation is often not enough. Do not be mistaken -- there are also women who reach orgasm in a matter of seconds - some without any genital stimulation at all, and they're the ones wishing their partners would hurry up already. But there seems to be undue pressure on women to reach the heights of ecstasy within a short period of time.

Ladies: whatever your ambitions (faster orgasms, more intense orgasms, multiple orgasms),...

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Fun With Fellatio

Here are a few general tips from the Fun With Fellatio session below...

  • Change positions often to avoid cramping, vary your angle of contact and alter sensations.
  • Alternate between your hands, lips, tongue, nose, chin, chest and anything else you can think of to avoid tiring and jaw aches.
  • Use lots of lube. Saliva is great, but a water-based lube can be tasty, long lasting and provide a more slippery, fun surface.
  • Pay attention to the scrotum (the sac containing the testicles), perineum, thighs and anus if your partner enjoys this type of stimulation.
  • Partners: offer constructive feedback and lots of appreciation to let them know that you love it; if you're uncomfortable expressing how you feel with words, consider facial expressions, gestures and sounds of pleasure.
  • Safer oral sex includes the use of condoms. Practice putting it on with your lips and tongue!

The Tease

  1. Use your lubricated hands, moist lips, wet tongue and/or lubricated chest to softly caress his entire body,...
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All About Female Pleasure

This is the workshop for which I received the most thanks from the female attendees. Going down on a woman can be a wonderful source of pleasure for all parties involved and we can all use a few suggestions to improve our repertoire. I list a few tidbits below and welcome your recommendations and feedback.

General Suggestions:

  • Communication is of utmost importance for mutual enjoyment. Ask your partner what she likes and welcome her reactions.
  • A good partner is eager to offer constructive feedback and show appreciation for her partner's efforts.
  • Safer sex practices for cunnilingus involve the use of barrier methods such as dental dams.
  • For increased sensation and pleasure, apply a water-based lubricant to both sides of the dental dam.
  • Consider pleasuring and teasing her entire body before proceeding to her vulva. 

Grooving:

  • Gently run your tongue between the grooves of her outer and inner labia.
  • Alternate your breathing patterns to stimulate her...
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Anatomy of the Clitoris

This was by far my favourite session at Desire and I'm happy to share an excerpt from it below. This post just addresses a few vulva caress techniques, but in the workshops we discussed and explored the female body from head to toe with many exciting stops in between.

Let's begin with the Clitoris, which is more than the myth of a "tiny pea-sized bump rich in nerve endings" as it is often described in medical and anatomical texts. It is actually a complex system of over eighteen parts that are similar to the penis. Rebecca Chalker, author of The Clitoral Truth, explains that the penis is actually derived from the female sex organs which undergo change at about eight weeks in utero. Included in this complex system are:

Glans (or head, which is often referred to as the clitoris)

Hood (which covers the glans and may provide indirect pleasurable stimulation of the glans)

Shaft (a cord-like structure beneath the hood that swells during excitement)

Bulbs (erectile tissue similar to...

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Vulva & Clitoris Pleasure Techniques

This post is a continuation from here...

Let's cover a few techniques that can be used during a vulva caress. Rather than simply thrusting your finger(s) into their vagina, consider a range of activities to explore areas that have a far greater capacity for sexual pleasure than the interior vaginal walls. As with all sexual activity, it is ideal to ask for verbal permission to proceed with each new adventure.

The Lip Liner

  1. Position yourself comfortably between her legs while she lays on her back.
  2. Apply lots of lube to your hands. See Astroglide for tasty lube.
  3. Use your lubricated index finger to slowly and gently trace a line from her belly button down against her lips and back to her anus.
  4. Start with your left index finger and trace along the side of her left outer labia (lip) and back up to her belly button.
  5. Use your right index finger to trace along the side of her right outer labia (lip) and then back up to her belly button.
  6. Take your time and repeat brushing against her...
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